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But he was genuine and when we struck up a conversation in the library I was sure that we’d be great friends. And I was desperate for a friend. He was two years ahead of me and would often talk in circles – or at least it sounded like that. He was studying history and was brilliant to listen to. We struck up a fast friendship and quickly became inseparable. It wasn’t a “love connection” really. I preferred a different kind of man. But as a friend, he was closer to me than almost anyone. We studied together, hung out together, laughed together. We talked about everything.We were at his apartment and the movie we were watching had long ended. Our conversation had meandered through the usual gripes and gossip and had settled on past relationships. Neither of us had much experience with relationships and we ended up laughing at our “sad” list of conquests. I hadn’t opened up about my past and really couldn’t explain to him that my only relationship was with a very controlling dad who. But I’m not there, and I stop and slowly open my eyes, just unfocused on the middle distance somewhere, thinking, wondering will I always have this yearning. And then I see your eyes, looking back at me, from the top of a row of books about five feet away. We are both utterly still, just looking at one another. I am beyond embarrassment-you have already seen me and heard me and probably smelled me, what is there to try to hide? You seem nonjudgmental, simply interested more than anything else. I search your eyes, your face, looking for scary motives, and find none. You look at me, my eyes, my face flushed, my body slid down in the chair, my forearm disappearing under my skirt, back to my eyes. And you smile, slightly, slowly, your eyes growing warmer and kinder as each second passes. I look into your friendly, interested face, looking for anything predatory, using, dismissive, mean, don’t see it, just a kind of warm appreciation that finally makes me smile back. I pull my hand out of.
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